Reflections (But Not In The Mirror, Please)

**TW: contains mild references to Eating Disorder-related behaviours.  Please proceed with caution.**

According to Facebook, I wrote this article exactly a year ago.  I guess I really just want to reflect a bit on where I am in terms of my eating, twelve months on.  My weight is no longer an issue and, because of that, people think my eating is no longer an issue.  This is not the case.

To stick with my weight/appearance for now, I detest everything about my body; every curve, every ounce of extra fat, every square inch of skin.  There is no posture, no angle, no gait – nothing – I feel complements the way I look.  I dress inside my (walk-in) wardrobe, on the wrong side of the mirrored doors, to avoid accidentally catching a glimpse of myself semi-naked.  Many people use things like make-up and nice clothes to deal with these types of feeling.  Not me.  I wear clothes a size too big (in fact, I’m currently wearing men’s jeans) because I can’t bear the feeling of a tight waistband, or the idea of people seeing the shape of my body.  I want to hide in my clothes.  And I wear no make-up, preferring to appear bland, plain, someone in the background…please, please, don’t look at me.

And now the actual eating.  On the upside, I eat three meals a day (although the nutritional content of what I eat needs a bit of work), I’ve conquered the restricting and I’ve more or less stopped purging.  But the bingeing remains one of my deepest, most shameful, secrets.  For around half an hour on almost every evening, I make myself eat large quantities of food I don’t even like.  There’s nothing enjoyable about these episodes; contrary to what people commonly believe, people who binge eat aren’t usually taking the time to savour their favourite foods.  For me, it’s a punishment, a miserable act of self-loathing, an assault on my body, yet another form of self harm.

So that’s the reflection done.  Outwardly, I no longer have a problem, people tell me I look well (which I HATE) and no one is worried about me being underweight.  Inwardly, it’s still an awful fucking mess.

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One thought on “Reflections (But Not In The Mirror, Please)

  1. my heart goes out to you. i hate my body too. i weigh 15 stone, so i’m not skinny by any means. i wish i was thinner. i hate everything about how I look. I cringe when people compliment me. sending you hugs. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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