Shape Shifting

Recently, I’ve become a bit unhappy with my body.  Specifically, I’ve gained some weight; don’t get me wrong, I haven’t piled it on, but I’ve gained enough that I notice it.

Having battled with Eating Disorders in various forms for most of my adult life, I’ve found this latest development a bit tricky to negotiate.  It’s certainly the heaviest I’ve been in as long as I can remember.  But, despite knowing (logically, at least) that this is in fact a positive thing (I’m eating better than I have in years, and am therefore more physically healthy than I’ve been in years), I cant get to grips with it at all.  I hate catching sight of myself in a mirror, and that I’ve had to start buying clothes in the next size up.  Where other people see an improvement (a face ‘filled out’, curves instead of bones), I see fat*.

Given that my Brother and I have signed up to take part in Mind Hike 2017, I’m going to have to maintain my weight.  However, I can afford to take a little more exercise – especially if I factor in the top-end doses of Sertraline, Mirtazapine and Quetiapine that I take regularly.  I have Henry to walk twice a day, and that wont change.  And I intend to make enquiries this coming week around joining a local (small, and hopefully quiet) gym.  I used to run a lot and, though I no longer have the confidence to take to the streets, I reckon it could prove quite cathartic to pound a treadmill two or three times a week.

To be clear, I intend to continue eating well.  I’ve recently decided to follow a vegetarian diet, on account of being too lazy to chew meat (another issue altogether – let’s not go there for now) and aim to keep looking for protein in alternative forms.  I will fuel my body with the appropriate chemicals, replace electrolytes burned.  I have no plan to let exercise become an obsession, or a case of intake – exercise = [negative number]. 

Most of all, I have the Hike to focus on, to be my reason for being sensible about this…help keep me right, though?

*It’s not fat at all, it’s just body weight that I’m not used to being there.  However, the fact that I know this to be true doesn’t mean I believe it…get your head round that one if you can!


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