I’ve had one of those seemingly endless days today, and the overriding feeling is one of guilt.
I feel guilty that I have eaten two meals, because I hate being kind to myself, and treating my body with respect.
I feel guilty that I haven’t done enough revision for an upcoming exam.
I feel guilty that it’s a beautiful spring day outside and I’ve just told my parents I don’t want to go out with them and the dog. In fairness, I took the dog for a long walk early this morning, so its not like I haven’t been over the door, but I can’t face going out in company.
I know what someone more compassionate than myself would tell me. They’d say that, by eating meals, I’m doing nothing more than meeting a basic human requirement. That I’ve actually done a fair bit or work for my exam, and that I still have more than a week to do as much as I can. They would tell me what I’ve already pointed out myself; that I’ve been out with the dog, gotten some exercise and spent time focussing on him rather than losing myself in the vortex in my mind. And they would say that it’s ok not to want company, that time out from people is a necessary part of the recovery process.
Why, then, can I not apply the above reasoning to myself? Why does it feel so very disconnected from where I am? And why can’t I give myself a break?