After a good start to the year, and adopting a more positive attitude, things are slipping a bit. On paper, there is absolutely no reason for this to be the case. On paper, all should be right in my part of the World. But, as a very compassionate person told me this morning, what I experience, what I go through does not compute, it does not translate on to paper. Life, for some reason known only to God, has thrown me a curve ball.
The problem is, I don’t really know where to go with it. In terms of medication, I left the baseline behind a ling time ago. I’m on the maximum dose of two separate antidepressants, as well as a substantial dose of an antipsychotic drug…I’m not a big person, and there’s no way my body will tolerate much more.
In addition, I have little contact with the CMHT now. The local MH team had a bit of an organisational shake-up recently, which means I have a new CPN whom I don’t know well. She visits me fortnightly, and I don’t yet know her well enough to trust her, and be completely open. All week, I’ve contemplated calling her, telling her I’m not coping quite so well, that self harm is a big part of my life again. But I don’t know what I want from her, I really don’t. It made sense, a few months ago, to push certain people away, people who were there to help me make changes…but my logic seems skewed now.
In any case, I have an appointment with the GP tomorrow morning. I guess that’s as good a place to start as any…maybe he’ll be able to suggest something that hasn’t already occurred to me.
I’m sorry I don’t have anything profound with which to end…I guess I’m just letting off steam today.