**TW: very mild references to SH and ED-related behaviours. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter**
Insight into oneself, with an enduring MH condition, is a tricky thing to achieve. Lately, though, I think I’ve managed to apply a little self-awareness and be a bit more realistic in terms of my future, and what it holds.
I know I don’t always feel very well when I wake up in the morning, but I also know that I’m lucky to be alive, and that people (and a certain little brown dog) rely on me.
I know that I’m pushing away the professionals involved in my care. I’ve been discharged by the OT. My Psychology has been put on hold indefinitely and I have no intention of going back to finish Therapy any time soon. And only yesterday, my Dietitian and I decided between us that, in terms of food, things are as good as they can be at the moment and that her input was somewhat pointless…so we made vague plans to catch up in a couple of months (she was reluctant to discharge me completely). So, yes, I know I’m distancing myself from the people who have been so invested in helping me, but I also know that the constant appointments, and talking things through, and expectation were getting tiresome. I know that I was becoming ever more dependent on people, and less and less able to cope on my own.
I know that there has to come a time when I accept there is no cure for what I live with. But I know that this doesn’t mean I can’t have some sort of ‘life’. I know that I have to stop fighting against the pain, anguish, torment, and the voice in my head, and find a way to accommodate it all, to live despite it. How do I do this, you might ask. Well this week, for example, I have been having what are now infected, self-inflicted wounds dressed by the Practice Nurse, binged/purged multiple times and put up with an underlying, inexplicable sadness. But I’ve also started revising for an OU exam, helped my Sister assemble bits and pieces of furniture for the Baby, walked and played with my Little Brown Dog and spent time with my Cousin and her boys.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, sometimes, things are ‘good enough’.