Today, my warped and damaged mind is allowing me to believe that to be outwardly coping, managing to keep busy and productive, is sustainable only if I continue to use destructive behaviours – SH, binging/purging – as my crutch.

These habits I have are ritualistic in nature.  I have a definitive system, a routine, to match each one and this in turn gives me a certain level of control over my otherwise messy life.  I find time management tricky, and tend to take an ‘all or nothing’ approach to living.  I can be idle for long periods of time that pass largely unnoticed or I can charge around, possessed by an overwhelming desire to ‘get things done’.  There is no middle ground, no state in which I can exist at peace.

My crutch, though not ideal, and more than a little unconventional, is what keeps me sane.  Who is anyone else to tell me otherwise?


2 thoughts on “Sustainability

  1. I’m similar. My home is much messier than it should be because if I can’t clean it all today, I’ll clean it all tomorrow. None of these half measures only doing the living room today and maybe the kitchen tomorrow. It all must be done now..of course, I then look around, it’s all overwhelming and I pull the covers over my head. The rest of my life (and my brain) is just as messy as my apartment.


  2. The thing I try to get across in conferences where I talk about ED recovery is that, “No one would ever have an ED if it didn’t help them in some huge way”.


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