Today, my warped and damaged mind is allowing me to believe that to be outwardly coping, managing to keep busy and productive, is sustainable only if I continue to use destructive behaviours – SH, binging/purging – as my crutch.
These habits I have are ritualistic in nature. I have a definitive system, a routine, to match each one and this in turn gives me a certain level of control over my otherwise messy life. I find time management tricky, and tend to take an ‘all or nothing’ approach to living. I can be idle for long periods of time that pass largely unnoticed or I can charge around, possessed by an overwhelming desire to ‘get things done’. There is no middle ground, no state in which I can exist at peace.
My crutch, though not ideal, and more than a little unconventional, is what keeps me sane. Who is anyone else to tell me otherwise?