Earlier this week, I saw the GP I spoke about in a previous post, Supplementary Help, having since decided to continue to see him in place of my prior Dr.
Once again, there was little work for me to do; he read me perfectly. I’m currently having what feels like a nuclear war with food and if it weren’t a war on food, it would be an assault on my body by some other means. He described this as my being stuck in an orbit, like a satellite orbiting a planet as the Moon orbits us. Some force, gravitational or otherwise, is keeping me here, endlessly circling…round, and round, and round…
My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to, with his help, gain enough momentum to escape this orbit and fall into place in another. Preferably, this would result in my finding somewhere less hostile for my mind, somewhere in which I didn’t feel the need to continuously punish myself for a crime, unknown, uncommitted, even. He reckons the first step in completing this mission, is for me to admit that I’ve suffered long enough, that I’ve been very unwell, and that I deserve better than this.
The problem is that this is all I’ve known for such a long time. Even while I’m relatively productive, and approaching completion of my first OU module, there’s destructive behaviour going on in the background. I have to ask myself if this really matters? Of course I want what the Dr has suggested; who, in this situation, wouldn’t want something better than this. But I can’t do the Maths that will let me escape my orbit. I’m baffled by the Science of it – it’s simply out of this World.