**TW: detailed descriptions of ED-related behaviours.**
Yesterday, I met my third Dietician in as many years, having had issues around food for at least the last ten years. As is always the case when meeting a MH (or any, I suppose) professional for the first time, I was asked what I thought would help – a bug bear of mine.
I couldn’t really answer, but I did (sort of) manage to articulate my goal (in terms of food, at least). I want food to be a natural response to a basic human requirement, not something I obsess over for hours on end, and dream about. I want to be able to eat without anxiety. I want to be able to cook my own food, and help myself from a serving bowl. I want to stop counting calories and restricting my intake. I want to break the relentless, exhausting binge/purge cycle in which I’m embroiled – binging in desperate hunger and vomiting silently, with the taps running full-flow in the bathroom just in case a sound should find its way from my mouth alongside the contents of my tiny stomach. I want to be able to eat out, enjoy the odd takeaway on a Saturday night, or go on a picnic. I want to eat lots of fruit and veg, and not feel guilty that I’m treating my body well, nourishing myself.
A lot to ask, right? To begin with, we’ve gone for a very basic meal plan, with a view to adding things when I feel ready for the next challenge. In theory, if I can adopt the ‘little and often’ approach, I’ll maintain my blood sugar levels better and be less likely to binge…that would be a start, I think.