**TW: contains references to self harm and disordered eating patterns. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter*
As I type, I’m experiencing my second wind today. Just when I was getting ready to throw in the towel, take my meds and get to bed, I suddenly find I’m wide awake, mind in overdrive. So much is happening, there is lots to ponder…
The main event of the week is that the Practice Nurse has allowed me to go solo with pretty appalling wounds I caused myself in September last year…six months of having dressings changed three times a week and we’ve reached a point where I’m no longer at risk of infection (albeit having had multiple infections, multiple times). All that remains is to wait and see what scarring I’m left with, but I’m beyond worrying about scars…that ship sailed years ago. As it stands, I’ve gone just over three weeks without SHing – a small ‘achievement’, depending who you ask.
Before you get excited, and think I’m being kinder to myself, I have an appointment with the MH Dietician this Thursday – my third referral in as many years. However, I’m vaguely optimistic that we’re nipping things in the bud this time. My eating habits are chaotic (I favour breakfast three times a day), but my intake isn’t nearly as low as its been in the past. As a result, I’m still nourished, and can still think clearly, enough that I acknowledge there is an issue and feel ready to address it…ask me in a couple of days, though, and I’ll probably gripe about a seemingly unattainable meal plan with which I’m expected to comply!!
Having avoided any MH professional for the last couple of weeks, and (if I’m honest) therefore enjoying some respite, I see my CPN tomorrow. Which invites the question: ‘what do I say…?’. If I’m honest, and say that I’m feeling brighter and less of a risk to myself, will she suggest that I resume my Psychology sessions? Is this something I want? I’m currently managing to throw myself into OU work, and seem to have little time for anything else. I fear Therapy will stir up the demons in me, causing unwanted distress and an ensuing aversion to anything else constructive. But I owe it to my Therapist to finish what she’s invested so much time and energy in, and I know she still attends clinical meetings held about me. That can’t be for nothing.
Add to that side-effects of otherwise helpful medication, impending deadlines for coursework, family pressures in the form of Grandparents to name but three…as I said, lots to ponder.