In the last five or six years, I don’t think I’ve ever followed through on any major, long-term plan. I’ve reneged on countless holidays, including my Sister’s wedding in Cyprus. Not to mention at least another four weddings that I can think of, funerals, birthday meals…
Friends have long since given up inviting me out for lunch, or coffee such that the only (unrelated) people who have remained true and loyal are those I can socialise with online. I’ve never actually met most of the people I have daily contact with.
I have a theory, a theory that I mustn’t have the opportunity to overthink anything else. Sure, I can make a very vague commitment – for example I might think about going away with my parents if they have annual leave booked at Easter, or in the Summer. But to have a psychology session focussed on ‘How I Will Cope When I’m In York With My Family For 5 Days As A Trial Run For Cyprus’ is ultimately damaging (yes, that session really took place and, yes, I withdrew from the holiday and began a(nother) three year descent into SH Hell). This only serves to create an issue out of something that doesn’t have to be difficult.
No one can tell me if or when I might experience the next decline in my MH. There will always be external triggers over which I have no (or little) control. But, mean time, I need to learn to accept an improvement in mood, and to allow myself to live as normal a life as possible…whatever that means. I can’t keep planning a year or more in advance, accommodating the self-doubt and anxiety that forces me to rethink and/or catastrophise. I think its time to adopt the ‘seize the day’ attitude to life.