I Can Breathe

If you follow this blog, you’ll be aware that I’m on a break from Psychology sessions.  This was a decision I made alongside my Therapist with the understanding that, when my mood stabilised, I’d return to finish the course of treatment I was receiving.

In addition, I’m now taking 30mg of Mirtazapine on top of my Sertraline/Quetiapine as well as ‘The Pill’ to take care of any possible hormonal impact on my mood (laying myself bare here, folks!).

I think a combination of these two factors, plus Henry*, has made a difference.  Is it possible to become so bogged down with appointments, and people telling you to think ‘x’ instead of ‘y’ that you become something of a slave to the system?  I think so…for the last two or three weeks, I’ve been able to concentrate solely on my OU work and getting an assignment in (albeit late).  And having scored 95% in said assignment, this has done more for my self-esteem than three years of therapy has been able to.  I have an awesome mentor, Katy, who helps keep me motivated and focussed (she often sends me text messages to see how things are going) but she’s not allowed to help me academically.

Don’t get me wrong…I don’t measure success according to how well I perform in coursework.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for the last few weeks, I’ve had a very small taste of what an ‘ordinary’ life might be like for me.  I haven’t had to worry about mindfulness (I think that’s an oxymoron).  I haven’t had to spend thirty minutes thinking about my safe place, or compassionate colour.  Rather than have to concentrate on my breathing, I’ve been able to breathe…

Granted, I have far to go.  I know I need to manage my time better.  I still spend a disproportionate amount of time going round in circles…but to go round in circles is better than to stand still.  I believe, left to my own devices, I can reach a destination, under my own steam.  A wonderful friend of mine (who knows who she is) sent me this the other day:

recovery

This is what I strive for, but I don’t think that thinking will get me there…doing will.

*And, in case you missed it on Facebook, Twitter or anywhere else, this is Henry:

Henry

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