Trying

More than ten years ago, I graduated from University and landed a job in the Financial Division of the NHS.  It wasn’t what I’d envisaged myself doing, but there was potential were I willing to be patient and (most importantly) I was earning decent money.

Despite (probably) always having deep-rooted Mental Health problems, for several years thereafter, I got up in the mornings, put in a hard days work and came home.  If you follow this blog at all, you’ll know that I ran out of steam eventually.  I couldn’t keep running, my demons caught up with me and I went home sick on 1st September 2011.  I’ve never worked since.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I used to be able to cope with ‘life’.  Granted, it was rarely easy and the perseverance that I gallantly displayed most likely contributed to my downfall.  But I managed.

Let us fast forward now.  Right now, in this moment, I’m tired…no…I’m exhausted.  What have I done today?  Filled out a form, visited my GP and walked the dog to the post box and back.  A far cry from ten  years ago.

Currently, every day is a battle.  I try and try and try.  I do odd bits of housework.  I’m working towards an OU degree (for my own satisfaction, and to keep my brain working, in one sense of the word at least!).  I read books.  I keep appointments with Professionals who are fully invested in helping me.  I visit people I feel comfortable with.  But, my God, its hard.  Beneath the surface, the tiniest thing can push me over the edge.  I get tearful at the drop of a hat, I suffer from paranoia, I’m plagued by intrusive, disturbing thoughts…not a million miles from Psychosis.  I barely eat, I fidget, chew my nails to the quick.

I’ll get to the point…how did I get from there to here?  Don’t worry, it’s a rhetorical question.

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2 thoughts on “Trying

  1. You’ve obviously had a really hard time of it mental health wise, and I can certainly empathise with that-but although you’ve stopped working, I find the way in which you keep on battling really strong. I don’t know you in person, but from what I’ve read, you sound like you have a lot of fighting spirit no matter how hard things get-and that’s a rare and valuable thing . Try not to let go of that. I suffer terribly from intrusive thoughts too, they’ve ruined my life-but honestly, I recently had a therapist that has made me see my thoughts as an illness, and not so much as a part of me. Up until then, I had a load of therapists that didn’t understand my condition at all, which only made me feel ten times more anxious about myself as a person. And by the fact that you’re so concerned about you’re thoughts is a huge sign that you’re a good person who’d never act on them anyway. I find that with intrusive thoughts, what is so hard is that it is impossible to feel certain about anything-and there’s such an overwhelming desire to be 100% sure that your thoughts aren’t real, and frustration and anxiety occurs as a result of not being able to find a sense of closure. This is a condition that many good people suffer from, and you’re not alone in feeling like this, even if you feel like you’re the only one in the world. I’m always here if you want to talk to someone who isn’t going to find your thoughts weird or abnormal-because believe me, I’ve experienced it all :). Have you found a therapist that you feel understands what you’re going through? x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes I wonder that on a smaller scale. Like what I can do when things are good (or hypomanic) as far as the house, the kids, personal stuff, etc. go vs. how cooking dinner seems like such a difficult feat when I’m depressed. The toll it takes is really something. I hope things are going well with OU and that the new regimen your doc has put you on helps.

    Liked by 1 person

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