On My Own Terms

**TW: discussion of suicidal ideation.  Please only proceed if you are confident that it will not be detrimental to your own health/state of mind.**

As I sit here in front of my laptop, I was struggling for a theme for this blog.  And then I looked at the wall above my desk and noticed the number 116 written in ink.

I scribbled this number down somewhere around Christmas, when I was sitting at the bottom of the hole referred to in my previous post.  This is the number of a certain kind of tablet that I have stashed safely in my room.  It is a number that comprises part of a long-term plan.

Before you become alarmed, or alert the authorities, I’m not actively suicidal and will attempt to explain my logic here: over the years, I have had many, many close calls such that, the only way I can explain my still being here, is that someone, somewhere is looking out for me.  Despite this, I continue to engage in dangerous SH behaviours, seemingly constantly pushing my body to its absolute limit.  This is never a serious attempt to end my own life, but rather some kind of cycle I find myself stuck in, an addiction if you like.  Imagine driving around a roundabout, but there is no turn off…you just keep circling, on and on and on…

But I figure that, one day in the future, I won’t want to keep circling.  I’m going to get dizzy, travel sick and want to stop.  I don’t want this to be an accident, nor do I want to harm anyone else in the process.  It will be an informed decision, made at the right time.  There will be no ambiguity regarding my intent.

That said, although I’m currently in emotional agony, tormented a lot of the time, I don’t envisage this being a decision I make any time soon.  There are things I would leave unfinished.  I want to get an Open University degree in Natural Sciences, I want to be an Aunty (have I even posted since we found out that my Sister is expecting a baby…?).

I know the circumstances under which I’ll no longer be able to carry on, so until that time…

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