**TW: mild references to SH**
Again, I must apologise for the lack of blogging of late. I’ve been trying (and failing) to scramble out of a hole, with no rope, ladder or other means of escape.
I did, however, see my Psychiatrist last Thursday. Together we decided that Benzodiazepines were no longer working for me and that we may be better employed adding a more permanent medication to the ones I already take. And so it is that, tonight, I will find myself taking 15mg Mirtazapine alongside my regular 200mg Sertraline and 400mg Quetiapine. I’m slightly wary of the sedating effect this is likely to have…but I’m desperate for a way out of this hole, and if medication gives me a leg up then I’ll give it my best shot.
In other news, my Psychologist and I reached a mutual agreement that we postpone my Therapy for now. It was all a bit contradictory, really. Her aim was to help me treat myself with a little more compassion, but my repeated, escalating SH rendered anything she taught me somewhat pointless.
Similarly, my OT and I have come to a bit of a standstill. The ultimate goal with her was to be able to attend a Pilates class, initially together but, ultimately, alone. She thought it important that I have something ‘just for me’, that I can do independently of anyone else. But the fact is, I have Anxious Avoidant Personality Disorder. That is to say, I have a tendency to avoid any scenario that might test my ability to leave my comfort zone. At the moment, this includes such things as visiting my Grandparents…so a Pilates class on my own…I don’t think so.
In short, the Professionals are giving up on me. My CPN must remain in the picture because, apparently, I pose a significant risk to myself and others. So she has stepped her visits up to once a week. My GP, as ever, is a rock. On Friday, I requested a telephone consultation with him; I waited a mere half an hour before he called me back. I’ll see him on Wednesday and attempt to address the ongoing issue I have with being able to eat. Constant nausea, caused by my washing machine-like innards, is making eating a chore. I have close to zero energy, and this is not helping my mood or concentration.
I think that pretty much sums up where I’m at. I pledge to blog on a more regular basis from now on…please be patient with me.