**TW: contains references to SH related behaviour and suicidal tendencies. Please proceed ONLY if you are comfortable with the subject matter.**
It’s fair to say that I haven’t written in quite some time. I’ve been largely absent, not only on here and social media, but in ‘real life’ too. I spend half the time feeling numb and detached (a result of medication), and the other half feeling agitated, angry, tearful and over-anxious.
The reasons for this are not yet apparent to me. Christmas was always going to be a difficult period; there have been large volumes of people coming and going, making the house feel like a thoroughfare at times. Not all of these people understand me and my difficulties. There have been masses of food cooked, served, eaten, leftover and wasted. We have had an addition to the family in the form of a ten week old pup, who is going by the name of Henry. Granted, he’s adorable but God he’s hard work!!
So, for someone with Generalised Anxiety, Depression and an Eating Disorder that presents in different ways at different times, it would be a fair assumption that the last few weeks have been somewhat difficult to navigate. But I can’t pinpoint one discrete moment in time, one singular event that ‘tipped me over the edge’. However, the effort spent just to survive seems to have been a bit too much to bear, because things reached a head on Monday morning when I engaged in one of the most dangerous and outrageous episodes of SH to date. I endangered not only my own life, but also those of everyone else in the house. I have no explanation for what I did…I’m not entirely sure I wouldn’t do it again, and seem to have developed a certain ambivalence towards my own life.
The result is that I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist next Thursday (some six weeks before I was due to see him again). I have no idea what he will suggest, but I think he’d have seen me quicker if Hospital was on the cards. I don’t necessarily want to endure the torture of coming off one medication to begin another…and I’m not even sure this would be allowed to happen at home (I’m absolutely against Hospital admission.) Perhaps some additional support would be useful, but I would need to feel a bit more motivated to make some positive changes, or I would be wasting someone’s valuable time.
Meanwhile, I keep going…believe it or not, I’m more or less managing to keep up-to-date with my Open University work (the fact that it’s relatively unchallenging means it’s a useful distraction technique). I’m managing, also, to read. I stare blankly at the TV, yet laugh at appropriate points of The Big Bang Theory. And then there’s Henry who, by nature, doesn’t seem like a very cuddly pup so far but I’m determined to turn him into one!!