This post was inspired by a writing prompt.
Over a year ago, I read an article via the Mind website that inspired me to check out the MH community on Twitter. Now, I can say with conviction, that I have NEVER had friends like some of those I have come across online.
Only this morning, a parcel fell through my letterbox from a friend who described it as an un-Christmas present…a book full of drawing prompts. Someone I’ve never met, but who knew what to buy me. Someone I’ve never met, but who knows me well enough not to buy me chocolate, or wine, or any other generic Christmas present. Further, someone who knows me well enough to buy me an un-Christmas present, someone who knows that Christmas is an ordeal for me (and probably many of those who battle MH conditions) and so why not make it an unofficial Christmas gift, some six weeks before the event itself?
Then there is a family all the way down in Hastings, who have expressed hope that I will one day breach my comfort zone and visit them. A family who I feel I have known all of my life. I ‘met’ Med within the first few days of the birth of my anonymous Twitter account. We hit it off immediately. We have similar interests, similar thinking patterns and have helped each other along in a way that is beyond words. We have even walked the same steps at the same time, for the same purpose, almost as though we existed as the same person in parallel Worlds. I have since gotten to know his wife, who has been nothing but open-armed in her approach. I love to see photos of their three beautiful boys (who will break hearts one day, mark my words), and to hear of their latest exploits…Forest School being one of my favourite topics!
There are far too many people to write about here…I could go on for pages.
Beth (Little One), who I care for as I might care for a younger Sister but who, due to the worst circumstances, has a head on her shoulders much older than her years. I pray to God that she catches a break; her potential is enormous. My East coast counterpart, with whom I have rambling conversations. She continues to amaze me with her drive and willpower. Many would have fallen years ago, but she grits her teeth and keeps on going. I hope she always does.
Please don’t be offended if I’ve missed you out. Like I say, far too many to count.
I think of school, university and work, and I feel nothing but overwhelming horror in the pit of my stomach. A horror that threatens to reach up and tear my heart out. There are people in my past that went out of their way to ridicule me, to laugh at my expense. I’m not blaming these people for the life I have now, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly resentful to hear of these people landing good jobs, getting married, having families. I’ll go out on a limb here and say that ‘this’ was always going to happen to me…but there were undoubtedly some catalysts.
So there have been real-life people who still contribute to my feelings of worthlessness, whose voices echo in my mind, and whose faces haunt my dreams. I sometimes wish they could learn of the state I am in and feel even the slightest bit guilty…but these people rarely even realise they’ve done wrong. But there have been people who probably wouldn’t know me if they tripped over me in the street, who ask how I am on a daily basis, who send gifts and cards through the post, who know what it is to live life an hour at a time, and to thank God for half a day of peace. These are the people to whom I owe my life because, without them, I’d be done for.