Since having the ‘lightbulb moment’ I spoke of in a previous post, I’ve felt a little like a deer in headlights. It’s one thing to realise the need for a shift, but it’s quite another to translate this to real life. I can’t seem to strike a healthy balance between hyper-enthusiasm and inertia, leaving me feeling tired and confused a lot of the time.
Last weekend, with my Mum and Sister away in Edinburgh overnight and feeling sorry for myself, I decided the best thing for me would be to dive into some Uni work. This was all very well, I managed to pass sizeable chunks of time without getting upset or agitated but, come the beginning of the week, I could see coursework far enough. I was exhausted, with no motivation to do anything. As such, I’ve spent almost every afternoon and evening since, either on or in my bed, watching nonsense on Netflix. I’ve been avoiding Uni work like the plague. I’m only really content in my own company, shut away in my room. Don’t get me wrong…I’m actually quite happy with this set-up, I don’t really want to be out and about, or spending huge amounts of time in the company of others. But I know that’s not ideal either.
The solution would be to strike a healthy balance, somewhere between too much and too little activity. But my brain doesn’t seem to be wired for this kind of ‘normal behaviour’. I’ve had an all or nothing attitude for as long as I can remember. I don’t believe in doing something unless I can do it perfectly, preferring to avoid anything at which I may fail to achieve anything less. So when I study, I wind up feeling tense and stressed, with a weight crushing my chest and someone stretching the skin over my scalp, from my brow all the way down to the nape of my neck.
Thus, the easiest thing to do is to ignore the pile of work on my desk, to avoid talk of work, to neglect to check OU-related emails…and to hibernate instead.