**TW: very mild reference to self-harm related thoughts.**
I’m pretty sure the word I have used in the title of this post is not in the Dictionary. But earlier, when my Cousin asked how I was feeling, that is how I answered.
Another week down, another weekend surrounded by bustle and hectic movement from one activity to the next looming large. This had been exacerbated this morning by an excruciating hour long session with my well-meaning, but very curious, 80-year-old neighbour. When I finally escaped, my parents were on their way out, all the while issuing commands that I shouldn’t leave the house or have my headphones on as they were expecting a delivery. This was fair enough, but I was already wired from my visit next door and I had planned to go and see my Cousin and the Boys early this afternoon. Having my plans turned upside down, while being told that I couldn’t use one of my coping strategies (music through headphones) triggered a bit of an episode. I contacted my Cousin via text, relaying this and her instruction was to take a Diazepam and she would be over with the boys as soon as possible.
To say I was reluctant about the Diazepam would be an understatement because (as you know), I’m trying to taper off a fairly high dose and wasn’t due a tablet until late afternoon. But I weighed this against the most likely alternative, and decided I didn’t want my parents to return home only to have to haul me to A&E due to some self-inflicted injury. I took the tablet. True to her word, my Cousin appeared soon after and we had a cup of tea while the Diazepam did it’s job. The very fact that the medication worked, is a sure sign that my detox is working…my system took on the extra dose and allowed it to work. So I’m not ashamed to say that I ‘needed’ some chemical help this afternoon and that I took it. It is, after all, what Diazepam is for…short-term relief in a crisis situation. I’ll get back to the tapering tomorrow.
As it happened, when my Cousin was leaving, her eldest (aged 4) wanted to stay with me, which cheered me up a little. We sat and watched CBeebies for an hour or so, with him periodically checking that I was paying attention, lol. Then I took him home (I walked and he scooted) where I got some nice kisses and cuddles from both boys before I left them to their weekend.
Oh, and as for the delivery…? The courier threw the parcel into the porch without alerting us in any way…