**TW: very mild reference to self-harm.**
If you’ve read 14th September and Some Other Time, then you’ll be aware that (after a bit of a rough start), I’ve been trying to reduce the amount of Diazepam I use to zero. Diazepam is a sedative, meant for short-term use. I usually have an ’emergency supply’ for times of Crisis but wouldn’t use it otherwise.
Recently, however, I’ve somehow managed to get myself addicted to Diazepam. I was advised to use it regularly in order to try and curtail my eddying cycle of self-destructive behaviours but, the more I took, the more I found I needed. This brings many problems, not least of which is a constant feeling of numbness. This, in turn, breeds a feeling of apathy towards almost everything in my life. I realised I didn’t want this. If I accomplish something, however small, I want to be able to feel that accomplishment. If I’m having a bad day, it would be helpful to cry, thus releasing some otherwise pent up emotion. Further, if I have a MH Crisis in future, I’d like 5mg of Diazepam to calm me…just now I’d be as well with Smarties.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been slowly decreasing my use of Diazepam, reducing my dose by one tablet at a time when I feel ready. It’s been tough, and I’m now at a stage where I’m feeling the physical effects. My head is fuzzy, like cotton wool. I’ve been having palpitations, headaches…but I’m nearly there.