**TW: contains references to self-harm. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.**
If you read my last post, 14th September, then you’ll know that I’m attempting to give up using Diazepam on a regular basis in the hope that I will start gaining some benefit from it in times of crisis.
This process started exactly one week ago so, from today, I cut another pill from my daily dose. For the most part, I was doing well. However, the sense of this has been called into question in the past couple of days. Yesterday, I experienced my first proper crisis in around six weeks. I spent the afternoon in A&E with my Dad, who left me there alone for a period of time. Fuck I was lonely. I don’t blame him for what he did; he struggles to cope at times, and he ‘needed out of there’. The irony is that these feelings are more or less parallel to my own…I was there because I struggle to cope at times, and could also have done without spending a Sunday afternoon in A&E.
Anyway, I returned home (as usual) to be accused of not thinking of others, not having any sympathy for what ‘they are going through’…the normal rigmarole.
The thing is that I do understand how hard it must be for my loved ones to watch me hurt myself to the extent that I do. I have enough compassion in me to be able to imagine how I would feel were the roles reversed in some way, if my Brother were SHing, for example. They just don’t believe me when I tell them this, and the upshot is that there are a bunch of people feeling one way, together, with one another for support…and then there is me, alone in how I feel. Alone with my thoughts, with my destructive behaviours and the consequences, trying so hard to engage in Compassion Focussed Therapy which is so damn hard and (for obvious reasons) seems futile at times.
People have pointed out that this incident seems to have coincided with the reduction of my Diazepam. I’m not so sure. That may be it; but it may also have been an inevitable slip-up (although, apparently a slip-up is not concurrent with self-mutilation). I should have seen my CPN today, in which case I could have taken some professional advice on this matter, but she cancelled our appointment. So I guess I’ll wait until I speak to the GP next Monday as planned. For the time being, I’m going to continue the detox.