**TW: mild reference to suicidal ideation. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter**
So yesterday was the day of the appointment with my Psychologist, at which I fully expected my therapy to be put on hold. The feelings expressed in my previous posts, Therapy on Hold and Self-Medication were still very much a problem. I was honest with her; explained the idea I have that there will come a point where the time is right for me to die. I wanted her to understand that I didn’t want to waste any more of her time than I already had.
But she pointed something out to me, or rather, she made me realise myself (in that sneaky way they have) that my actions of late somewhat contradict these thoughts. I’ve applied and been approved to resume studying with the OU in October, I’ve been attending Art Therapy Groups and engaging with others with similar issues to mine, I’m making plans to reorganise my bedroom such that I have a corner for Art and a corner for studying. I continue to keep appointments with the professionals involved in my care. Basically, I’m making (albeit loose) plans for the future.
The point of the Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT) is that she teaches me to accept compassion from others, and to take a more compassionate attitude towards myself. If this is successful, the hope is that the negative outlook will improve.
So far, this makes sense. But here is my predicament. All of the actions/decision making above have/has been carried out whilst heavily sedated (refer back to Self-Medication), so I don’t feel anything for them. I don’t know if I am making good choices. What if I reduce my intake of Diazepam and start to experience emotion again? What if I panic, and decide that everything is wrong? What if tapering the extra medicine synchronises my thoughts and my actions?
I think I need to speak to my GP about becoming a bit more human again…what a scary bloody thought.