Therapy On Hold

**TW: mild reference to self-harm and suicidal ideation.  Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.**

I have an appointment with my Psychologist on Wednesday afternoon.  I have a feeling it will be the last for a while.

For a while now, I’ve been struggling to engage with the Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT) we’ve been working on.  According to my Therapist, it is considered quite high-intensity Psychology and therefore requires me to be well both from a physical and a mental point of view; I should be eating better, my wounds should be healed, my blood tests repeatedly show that I have low levels of Iron, making me tired and lethargic, self-harm is an ongoing battle, my self-esteem is below sea level, I don’t believe myself worthy of compassion from myself or anyone else, I seek regular ‘validation’ of my illness, reassurance that I am unwell and not making things up…

As far as I know, the suggestion is that we put our Psychology sessions ‘on hold’ until I feel more able to cope with CFT.  But my fear is that I’ll never be ready to resume Therapy.  I can’t get my head around the fact that I deserve a break.  I don’t believe people when they tell me I’m not a bad person.  After reading my previous post Self-Medication, my cousin (the only family member with access to this blog) sent me a text full of what she considered to be my strengths…

‘You are so kind and thoughtful, the world would be a horrible place without you in it.’

My automatic response is that she is saying these things because she feels she has to, not because she actually believes them.  Apart from anything else, the world is a pretty horrible place with me in it; countries everywhere are ravaged with war, disease, injustice…

I don’t know why I’ve found CFT so futile.  Perhaps, deep down, I’ve always known this sickness will be the death of me one way or the other (I’m ‘lucky’ this hasn’t happened before now, to be honest); SH gone wrong, or something more planned, when the time is right.  So to engage and attempt to change my thinking patterns is always going to be a waste of everyone’s time, when I seem to have made my mind up already.

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11 thoughts on “Therapy On Hold

  1. Sorry the CFT has seemed so futile ❤ I was wondering, have you ever considered something like a therapeutic community? They have become a scarcity since the recession but there are still some around in the UK, and most take NHS-funded places. They generally cater for people with long term mental health problems, especially PDs. It just occurred to me the other day when I was reading another post of yours, obviously you might have already explored this option but I have a few friends who have tried various TCs and found them really helpful.

    (sorry if this comment posts two or three times, the wifi where I am is awful!)

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    1. They are usually kind of a cross between inpatient and supported accommodation, so you go live there for a year or more but there’s a much greater emphasis on therapy and community than in supported accommodation.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve never heard of anything like that around here. I know that the Day Hospital was recently closed, or I (according to my CPN) would have been a prime candidate for that sort of support…everything comes down to money these days. I also think I would prefer, where possible, to stay at home. I live with my parents and am used to having them to hand (despite them being unable to cope with certain aspects of my illness). In the past, I’ve been offered a bed on a Psych ward for ‘respite’, but doubt that it would have that effect!.

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  2. Pardon me if I sound dumb (as I am not familiar with the various forms of therapy), but could this psychologist not refer you to someone else for the time being, someone who practices whatever form of therapy she thinks would be better suited for your needs? Rather than put it all off (if that’s not what you want)?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Keep fighting my friend. I’m so very sorry that you are experiencing what you are. Loneliness sucks and low self esteem is a terrible friend. I hope and pray that you find peace and hope.

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