Swings And Roundabouts

Over the last few days, the positive tone of my previous post, Is There Ever A Right Time?, has been compromised a bit.  I was feeling reasonably confident that I was making a good decision…October was as good a time as any to begin studying, and who is to say I’ll be any better equipped come February.

I saw my Psychologist on Tuesday, and explained the gist of the above post, expecting (perhaps a little naively) her to be pleased that I was thinking about, and planning, my future.  However, her response was not this.  She didn’t say that it was out of the question (they’re not really allowed to do that, I don’t think), but she pointed out a few home truths.  I’ve had continuous, ongoing trouble with infected wounds for a couple of months, for which I’ve had several courses of different antibiotics.  This has taken a toll on my body.  I’m not eating very well, so don’t have an abundance of energy; in order to be able to concentrate to study, I need to fuel my body.  I’m anaemic, and taking Iron tablets of questionable benefit so I’m tired, lethargic and run-down.  I’m self-medicating with Diazepam, because to be numb is better than to be almost feral with agitation.  So that needs to be addressed at some point.  She warned me that I need to be well, both physically and mentally, before I could give the Open University a good shot.  To be clear, I don’t disagree with anything she said; all of it is true.

But now I don’t know if I’m coming or going.  Every time I think I’ve made a decision, sorted the immediate future, made the drastic change that I believe needs to be made in order for me to move forward…every time,something comes along and takes the wind from me.

I have a appointments with both my CPN and OT next week, so will see if I can gather another couple of ‘expert’ opinions.

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