TW: mild reference to self-harm.
I seem to have reached a stage in my ‘recovery’ where I am expected to be able to deal with the day to day battle against the incessant urge to SH, the loss of appetite (and we all know where that can finish), the extreme agitation that means I’m unable to stay still for more than five minutes. I have been given all the tools, all the alternative coping strategies, everything my CMHT have to offer. I was somewhat dismissed by my CPN yesterday when I called to ask her if I could see her, and not my Therapist, next week (of course, my non-existent self-esteem and constant need for validation may have slightly skewed what she said to me). I felt I want to talk more about the things that trouble me daily, and not practice Mindfulness when my head is not in the right space. I was so sure she would agree, and was even feeling pleased that I was telling people what I want, instead of decisions being made for me all the time. So I was a bit crushed when she denied me what I’d asked.
My Care Team (and I’m not saying they’re wrong) want me to try and move past where I am now, and start planning a future for myself. The fact that I have this illness shouldn’t be controlling my life. I need to make some decisions regarding my future and start living again. However, the nature of my most recent diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, or APD (may as well add another to the list!!), makes implementing any plans something of a tricky business. I refuse to participate in things before thinking it through. I ‘avoid’ any situation that might (will) make me uncomfortable. I hate being in my own skin. I’ve recently started working with an Occupational Therapist, whose role is to help me expand my comfort zone a little, and to get me more involved I in the community. I’ve been reassured that this will be as slow a process as I need it to be – I’m not going to be forced into anything too quickly.
The problem, from my point of view, is that my current state of mind is such that my days are filled with me just trying to keep my head above water. I don’t feel I have time to fit anything else in. I have my established routine, which allows me to cope (just) and anything else seems too far out of reach. I see my Cousin and her Little Ones a couple of times a week, I do a little housework, (on a good day) I go for a walk and pick up the newspaper, all the while fighting against this Godforsaken affliction. I haven’t yet learned to ‘be’ with what I have been given, so how can I move on…? It all feels too much, to be honest.