Today I tried something a bit different in a desperate effort to lift my mood a little.
Between one thing and another, things got pretty desperate last night. I considered calling NHS24, to get the OOH MH team, which I haven’t done in a couple of years. I even considered calling the Samaritans. I resolved to go through and (attempt to) eat with the rest of the family and see how I felt after that…there were plenty of options available to me. However, none of these measures were necessary, because I burst into tears in the middle of my dinner (salmon fishcakes) and continued to cry for most of the next hour. My Mum and Dad don’t always deal well with my illness but, given that we were all sitting at the dinner table, they had to rally round last night. They were great; they reassured me that I feel so bad due to some extra medication I had been on, that It would take a while to leave my system, that nothing bad was going to happen to anyone (one of my current obsessions), that I can’t control life and it’s inevitable surprises, that we’ll deal with things when we need to and not before.
I think I managed to dissipate the low mood somewhat, or at least negate it with tears, last night. But then I woke up this morning with that same old ‘…here we go again…’ feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had to go and see the Nurse at the surgery, but once that was done I felt that overwhelming sense of dread grab my tail. Here was another full day, another day that I couldn’t possibly survive.
We have amazing neighbours. They are in their 80s, but extremely fresh. They manage two or three holidays a year, including one abroad, and always ask me to mind the house while they’re gone. I think what they know of my illness has come mainly from my Dad. There have been periods where I’ve been out and about less, or when my curtains have remained closed all day (my bedroom is at the front of the house). They always ask after me, and my Dad copes by talking (with a degree of discretion) about my illness. I love chatting to them, Mrs McG in particular. She’s a retired school teacher, is very involved with the Church and has family all over the World. She’s full of stories, and I like being in her company.
So today, in desperation, I phoned next door and asked if I could nip in. Her reply was ‘right away’ lol. I walked through the door and burst into tears…embarrassing much? She ushered me into the Conservatory where we sat for an hour. She asked a bit about me, and told me some funny stories. She showed me the latest photos of her Granddaughter (who is only just over a year old and lives in Azerbaijan). I’ve never been so grateful for a little bit of company in my entire life. She told me how pleased she was that I’d managed to phone through, and that the ‘ice has been broken’, so she expects me to call any time I need to henceforth. They even invited me to go with them to an Open Garden event they were going to this afternoon. But I thought I did OK just lifting the phone, so maybe next time!