The Price I Am Paying

TW: Mildly refers to Self Harm.  Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.

This is my first post in about a week, mainly because I’ve been particularly unwell.  I’ve been busy paying the price of a decade of SH, which came in the form of a nasty skin infection requiring three different antibiotics.  I persevered for four days of seven and had to stop taking them because, quite frankly, it wasn’t worth it…absolutely every part of my body ached, my tummy was screaming Blue Murder, and I felt the antibiotics were killing me as well as the infection!  That said, I saw the Nurse yesterday and she said the wounds were looking a good bit better, so I can only hope that the half-course of antibiotics I did manage was enough to keep things at bay.  If not, there is, apparently, a Plan B.

And now I’m left feeling physically and mentally exhausted.  My mood is low, I can’t see past lunch time, and then I can’t see past dinner time.  If I have an appointment in the middle of the day, I don’t envisage myself surviving long enough to attend it.  I’m scared.  I feel caught in a vortex, circling the drain, fighting to stay alive.  I go to bed at night, and have to get up an hour later.  Lying in the dark, with nothing but my own diseased mind to occupy my thoughts, I begin to panic.  I try and fend it off (I’ve managed in the past, so why not now…?) but inevitably end up needing my Mum, like an infant.

I don’t know what happens now.  I’ve fallen behind with some of my (psychiatric) medication, so need to get back on track where that is concerned.  I saw my CPN this morning and she said that there is every possibility that what I was taking wasn’t getting the chance to work on me, due to the fact that I haven’t been able to (quite literally) stomach food for almost a week.  And now I mention it, the lack of nutrition in my system cant be helping.  I’ve also been missing my Iron Tablets, so am more than likely feeling a bit Anaemic too.

So the proposed plan of action (which has been formulated now, as I write) is to hope that my wounds continue to heal without any need for ‘Plan B’…I didn’t even ask what that would be!  I will resume taking (all of) my medication as it is prescribed to me.  I will do my best to eat something nutritious at least three times a day.  And maybe I’ll find myself back in the running very soon.  If not, I have plenty of people I can call on.


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