What’s At The Bottom Of The Hole?

TW: Mild references to self harm.  Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.

We’ve all heard Mental Illness described as being at the bottom of a deep, dark hole.  I, myself, have made it all the way to the bottom twice.  You can read about the first, and how I got myself up, here.

However, I have recently hit the bottom for a second time.  Not in terms of Anxiety or Depression, but with reference to an apparent addiction to SH.  I’m not going to go into detail, because that would be unnecessary, but suffice to say I’m not going to get away with very much more.  I’ve been given too many chances as it is; my body can stand no more.

I don’t want things to deteriorate any further.  I have my assessment with an Occupational Therapist next week.  I have a Social Worker helping me claim benefits (over)due to me.  People are investing time in me.  All things considered, I want to be around.  I want to be well enough to resume…to resume my life would be to pick up where I left off.  That’s never going to happen.  I want to be well enough to live with my condition (and not fighting against it all the time), to find something worthwhile with which I can occupy myself.  I have managed to reclaim my thirst for knowledge, and have been reading accordingly.  I plan to have a look at resuming (right word this time!) my studies with the Open University this Autumn.  My Cousin has two little boys, a great source of distraction.  I want to be able to pick them up, to carry on with them, without worrying about hurting myself.  I want to be an Auntie (don’t tell my Sister I said that, lol).  I want to be able to go on holiday again…even if it is only two nights within a 50 mile radius from my home.

The problem with being at the bottom of the hole, is getting back up.  How does one do that?  How does one transform the potential, the desire, described above, into reality?  We have to use what resources are available to us.  A ladder would be too easy, as would a trampoline.  What about a rope, with someone at the top cheering us on…?  We would be faced with a hard climb, slipping back down and having to start again, the possibility of blistered hands.  But with the right encouragement, from the right people at the top, I reckon I could climb a rope and give life another shot.

If any of you are down here with me, and want a lift back up, sling your arms around my neck and I’ll haul you up with me.  This, of course, is metaphorically speaking…if you saw my arms, you’d understand!

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