I Don’t Know What To Say

TW: references to self-harm.  Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.

A friend of mine commented earlier today that my blog had been a bit slow recently.  I agreed, remarking that I seem to have lost my writing mojo.  To be honest, I haven’t had very much in the way of motivation, or even inspiration when it comes to blogging.  And I don’t want this to become a diary of how shit my life is…because my life isn’t shit, and I’d hate that to be the tone of this blog.  I’m not sure where this post is going yet…

Another friend sent me a very insightful email yesterday, and threw this question at me in the manner of someone passing a baton in a relay race: ‘…if you could design your care and recovery support, what would you ask for and do in an ideal world?’  I also saw my Psychiatrist yesterday, and should have had ample opportunity to discuss this with him…but we all know how I am with verbal communication, lol.  Anyway, why don’t I break this down a little, and see if I can come up with something…

I don’t want my extreme SH behaviours to be an easy way out for the CMHT.  By that, I mean that I don’t want it to be a reason to constantly divert me to the GP/A&E, where I can be cared for from a Medical viewpoint.  My Surgery are awesome, I could never thank them enough for what they do for me, but they can’t help me from a Psychiatric point of view.  Such is the way of things at the moment, that I don’t seem to be getting beyond wound care.  No one is addressing the bigger issue.  This morning, I had a conversation with my CPN which lasted exactly 1 minute.  I then had to visit the GP (not my own) to have an existing wound looked at (on account of my hand being roughly twice it’s normal size).  Given that this GP didn’t know me…ok, let’s be honest with ourselves here…I’m sure he’s heard about me, but he’s never met me…he seemed genuinely concerned about the state of my MH.  He took me to the Nurse’s room to have my arm dressed down in order that it might be checked for infection.  I expected him to simply ‘drop me off’, but he came in and sat down, chatting and asking questions while the nurse did her thing.  I felt listened to, cared for, and that he would do anything he could to help me…if it wouldn’t be so awkward, I’d have him as my regular GP.  In total, I was in with the GP/Nurse half an hour.  So the CMHT gave me 1 minute, and Primary Care gave me 30…is there something wrong with that picture…?  I think there is.

The other thing I’m struggling with at the moment is my Therapy appointments.  My Psychologist and I are working on building the compassion I have for myself, and that which I accept from others.  We’re at loggerheads.  My Psychiatrist spoke yesterday (again) about how I need to learn to live with my illness, build a future around it and not let it define me.  I’ve spoken in previous posts about my futile exploits with the Open University, and how they have since written a ‘Disabled Student Profile’ (DSP) for me, detailing the measures they could put in place so that I could resume my studies with a little more ease.  I spoke of this to my Psychiatrist, who has said that this is something he’d like to see me make a go of, that it would be good for me to commit to something, work at it and achieve.  This is a practical issue, it would involve planning my time, setting goals, meeting deadlines…all things I hope an OT will help me with, when my referral comes through.  I don’t think my life will be drastically turned around if I can get into a meditative state and teleport myself to a ‘safe place’, unless you give me a TARDIS, in which case we’re back to a practical solution anyway!  But, rather, being proactive…Art Therapy, blogging, maybe studying…is a more helpful approach.

There we go…for someone who didn’t know what to say, I’ve managed to produce almost 800 words of analysis!  I’ve reached the conclusions that my CMHT could be doing more, and that a different GP might mean fresh ears and a clean slate.  I’ve realised my therapy is going nowhere, and that I need to be ‘doing’ in order to feel better, that a referral to OT will hopefully allow me to move forward, albeit it with tiny steps.  And I’ve written words that I wish I could speak to the people who matter.


One thought on “I Don’t Know What To Say

  1. Hope you manage to get the help you need. I struggled to get it: after several years of intermittent counselling and sessions with a social worker, I finally got a year of drama therapy. It changed my life not only because the therapy itself was brilliant, but because it lasted long enough to have a big impact on my life. Previously, the only therapy I was offered/given on the NHS were 6 weeks of counselling, which improved things for a little while but had a very limited effect — especially in the long term. If I could afford it, I would love to have a weekly counselling/life coaching session for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, since it would eat up nearly half of the benefit I get, it’s not going to happen.

    I’m learning to help myself however I can at the moment. I’m managing pretty well, but wish I had more support. Support without loads of red tape and strings attached would be wonderful! I’m trying to work with my mental health problems instead of against them, but it’s very much a work in progress…

    Good luck to you 🙂


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