A New Day

TW: contains references to self-harm.  Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.

So yesterday was pretty lousy.  As I sit here, I berate myself for what happened.  I’ve been working hard to reduce both the frequency and extent of my SH.  For the most part, I’ve done well over the past four weeks or so, but a small slip up last Friday seemingly gave me license to self-destruct yesterday.  I inflicted some pretty horrendous injuries on myself, resulting in an unplanned trip to the Practice Nurse, and a fair amount of pain.

The obvious lesson here, is that to vow never to SH again would be unrealistic.  It has been my default coping strategy for so long, I’m unlikely to be able to stop over night.  I accept that what I did yesterday was stupid, that I let myself down.  I acknowledge the anger I feel towards myself.  But I can’t be beaten back down by one bad day.  I must draw a line under Tuesday and make Wednesday a fresh start.  I was making progress, and I have to pick myself up, dust myself down and move on.

Only there is something standing in the way of that.  As I returned from my appointment with the Nurse yesterday, my Mum remarked that it was a bit of a funny time to have an appointment at the Surgery (16:20…?).  She also said I looked ‘shifty’, ‘guilty’ and ‘…as though you’ve [me] been up to something…’.  Forgive me, but, had I just committed a crime, this language may have ben appropriate.  As it was, I think I probably looked tired, fed-up, maybe even a little peaky.  I also know that my Mum is not stupid, and probably knew exactly (more or less) what was wrong with me.  So rather than offer some comfort (even without having/wanting to know details), she opted to challenge me, provoke me, invalidate me, make me feel like a pariah.

Today, therefore, I am up and about, trying desperately to follow my preordained schedule for the day.  I am safe, and have taken measures to ensure that I cannot be impulsively unsafe.  But I am wading through treacle, I feel tired, low, like a nuisance, someone who is not ill, but exists only to cause others pain.  I feel as though I’m hanging by a thread.  My own CPN is on holiday, so I have tried to contact another, a nice lady who has worked with us as a family and who understands the family dynamic, how my Mum and Dad react to certain aspects of my illness.  I’ve been told she should be in the office at 2pm…I’ll probably have lost my nerve by then.

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7 thoughts on “A New Day

  1. Hi Louise,

    I just wanted to comment in support. I’m going through a similar thing at the moment, and have grudgingly accepted that harm reduction rather than attempting to stop completely is probably the safer way forward right now. Putting pressure on myself to stop just makes the damage worse when I do give in, plus I feel far more ashamed about it, which isn’t helpful. I saw your tweets about this yesterday and it sounded like it’s really lonely being at home where no one knows the full extent of what’s going on. I hope the other CPN is helpful, I hope yuou manage to her when she gets in.

    (the Katie also know as no_ghost!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Katie,

      I’m sorry you’re going through similar, but it’s nice of you to write and reassure me that, although I’m lonely at home, there are others who know what page I’m on. I remember you appearing on my TL at some point yesterday…maybe we’ll get a chance to chat more in the future.

      Louise x

      Like

  2. I’m sorry about your Mum. Mine has a habit of every now and then letting a verbal bomb drop like that aswell. Always at the worst possible time aswell. I think you are right to try and speak to someone within the support team who can provide you with some assistance getting on track and trying to deal with the stress.

    You are right to look at reduction rather than prevention. Don’t put stress on yourself to stop harming, it’s a natural impulse and takes a lot to stop, and even when people do stop for long periods sometimes something starts it again. The aim is to reduce how badly you harm yourself and how frequently. Try not to count days, since I stopped doing that I’ve found it easier to manage, I know roughly how long but not ever day/minute/hour like I used to.

    Good luck xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi,

    Sorry it has taken me a bit of time to reply. Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post, and for your advice. It’s not helpful to focus to much on what you’re trying to achieve, is it? It only makes it worse when you fall (and that will happen!).

    I managed to speak to the aforementioned CPN yesterday, and again today. She was lovely, very patient and has told me that she’ll inform the rest of my care team where I’m at, so I don’t need to keep telling the same story!

    Thanks again,

    Louise xx

    Like

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