TW: contains references to self-harm. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.
So yesterday was pretty lousy. As I sit here, I berate myself for what happened. I’ve been working hard to reduce both the frequency and extent of my SH. For the most part, I’ve done well over the past four weeks or so, but a small slip up last Friday seemingly gave me license to self-destruct yesterday. I inflicted some pretty horrendous injuries on myself, resulting in an unplanned trip to the Practice Nurse, and a fair amount of pain.
The obvious lesson here, is that to vow never to SH again would be unrealistic. It has been my default coping strategy for so long, I’m unlikely to be able to stop over night. I accept that what I did yesterday was stupid, that I let myself down. I acknowledge the anger I feel towards myself. But I can’t be beaten back down by one bad day. I must draw a line under Tuesday and make Wednesday a fresh start. I was making progress, and I have to pick myself up, dust myself down and move on.
Only there is something standing in the way of that. As I returned from my appointment with the Nurse yesterday, my Mum remarked that it was a bit of a funny time to have an appointment at the Surgery (16:20…?). She also said I looked ‘shifty’, ‘guilty’ and ‘…as though you’ve [me] been up to something…’. Forgive me, but, had I just committed a crime, this language may have ben appropriate. As it was, I think I probably looked tired, fed-up, maybe even a little peaky. I also know that my Mum is not stupid, and probably knew exactly (more or less) what was wrong with me. So rather than offer some comfort (even without having/wanting to know details), she opted to challenge me, provoke me, invalidate me, make me feel like a pariah.
Today, therefore, I am up and about, trying desperately to follow my preordained schedule for the day. I am safe, and have taken measures to ensure that I cannot be impulsively unsafe. But I am wading through treacle, I feel tired, low, like a nuisance, someone who is not ill, but exists only to cause others pain. I feel as though I’m hanging by a thread. My own CPN is on holiday, so I have tried to contact another, a nice lady who has worked with us as a family and who understands the family dynamic, how my Mum and Dad react to certain aspects of my illness. I’ve been told she should be in the office at 2pm…I’ll probably have lost my nerve by then.