Four Weeks: No Going Back

TW: contains mild references to self-harm.  Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.

And so my four week stretch of ‘clean living’ came to an abrupt end yesterday.  As ever, I replaced one form of SH with another, and the cycle is fed.  I can’t change what happened, so I have to come to terms with it.

I’m disappointed, to put it mildly.  I had been gaining momentum, or so I thought, with time, but everything fell apart in a split second.  I’ve let people down.  My cousin, who has encouraged me every step of the way, the Practice Nurse who had been really pleased at my progress earlier in the week, my CPN who had probably started hoping she could shed herself of me at some point in the near future.  But people tell me this is not true, that I have to do this for myself, and my own future.  Come to think of it, as I’m writing this, I’m thinking that perhaps it’s a bit precocious of me to assume that I matter so much to other people…professionals are paid to do what they do; I’m probably just a number to each of them.  Further, I have my ‘everything is fine’ face on today, thus deceiving my parents, allowing no hint of what happened yesterday to show through the cracks in my exterior.

I hope desperately that I can get this under control quickly, and that it doesn’t become a new ‘thing’.  My CPN remarked yesterday, that I still have to be careful around social media, that four weeks doesn’t mean I’m cured and that my guard has to remain solidly in place.  She’s right, of course, but when much of my support comes from social media, the odd trigger is inevitable.

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7 thoughts on “Four Weeks: No Going Back

  1. I’m sorry that you feel disappointed at your slip. ❤
    The progress you've made is certainly great but try to remember the old saying that relapse is one of the stages of recovery. Slip's happen but they do not erase your progress in fighting a complex pain and illness. Being clean of self harm also does not eliminate your reasons for feeling the desire to do it. I hope that you can pinpoint what lead you to this recent harm and try to focus on understanding the feelings around it in order to move past it. 🙂
    You are important and I'm sure that the people in your life will not be disappointed with you but will understand what a battle you face. As for your CPN, although yes she is a professional, paid to do her work, she must do what she does in hopes of caring for and helping people like you so I feel she will care firstly about what impact this has on YOU and not be worried about getting rid of you.
    Small steps Louise – you are worth it!
    Hope you feel a little better soon! 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Aimee,

      Thanks, as always, for your words of encouragement. You’re right about being able to stay clean; it doesn’t remove the fact that the urges are always there, chewing away at the back of your mind. I hope you’re doing ok.

      Louise xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. One of the best things I’ve found that you can do to cope with triggers is to come up with a plan ahead of time about what to do when you encounter them so that you don’t rashly do something you might regret later. That’s one of the best things I ever learned from therapy especially in regard to self injury.

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  3. Don’t beat yourself up over it, these things happen in recovery. I managed two years at one point then one day wham it was all over, I’ve never managed anything like that again since. You haven’t let anybody down, or disappointed anybody. You are sick and this is part of that sickness. Take a deep breath, and start again. Each minute you don’t self harm is an achievement but if you do it’s not the end of the world, it’s just an opportunity for a fresh start.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. It helps to have all these things reinforced, as I can so easily loses sight of certain things, such as that fact that I am ill, and would not choose this life. I hope that you at least manage to keep yourself as safe as possible.

      Best wishes,

      Louise x

      Liked by 1 person

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