TW: contains mild references to self-harm. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.
And so my four week stretch of ‘clean living’ came to an abrupt end yesterday. As ever, I replaced one form of SH with another, and the cycle is fed. I can’t change what happened, so I have to come to terms with it.
I’m disappointed, to put it mildly. I had been gaining momentum, or so I thought, with time, but everything fell apart in a split second. I’ve let people down. My cousin, who has encouraged me every step of the way, the Practice Nurse who had been really pleased at my progress earlier in the week, my CPN who had probably started hoping she could shed herself of me at some point in the near future. But people tell me this is not true, that I have to do this for myself, and my own future. Come to think of it, as I’m writing this, I’m thinking that perhaps it’s a bit precocious of me to assume that I matter so much to other people…professionals are paid to do what they do; I’m probably just a number to each of them. Further, I have my ‘everything is fine’ face on today, thus deceiving my parents, allowing no hint of what happened yesterday to show through the cracks in my exterior.
I hope desperately that I can get this under control quickly, and that it doesn’t become a new ‘thing’. My CPN remarked yesterday, that I still have to be careful around social media, that four weeks doesn’t mean I’m cured and that my guard has to remain solidly in place. She’s right, of course, but when much of my support comes from social media, the odd trigger is inevitable.