TW: contains mild reference to self-harm.
Further to my post yesterday (The Fog), I did manage to see my CPN today. I think the missed phone call may have been to alert me to the potential presence of a student but, knowing me well, my CPN did not bring him into the house unannounced (by which point I’d be too polite to protest) but, rather, dispatched him on a walk, lol.
Anyway, I did my best to explain my recent feelings of detachment, and that everything had a surreal quality to it. I told her I felt somewhat odd, for want of a better word. And I told her about what I will refer to as ‘the thing’. Her response to all of this was that I appeared less agitated than usual. I know I’m less agitated, and not fidgeting quite so much, but I don’t know that I like the way I feel either. I feel TOO calm. I drift off easily, my subconscious seeking out the darker corners of my mind. I can sit for prolonged periods of time, doing nothing.
Can I blame my medication…? I don’t know. There have been no recent changes, and I continue to be compliant; I take what I should, when I should. It might be worth chatting to the Dr about a possible decrease in my Quetiapine, and I know I probably shouldn’t be sedating myself with Diazepam on top of everything else.
The only other thing I can think of is that I’ve had some blood tests recently, which showed a slightly abnormal blood count. On reflection, I have been lethargic, sluggish and feeling generally quite run down (even more than usual). Maybe there is something physical standing in my way. It doesn’t always have to be ‘in my head’, does it?
I have, nonetheless, continued to keep myself safe. I haven’t had a major episode of SH in almost three weeks, but I’m beginning to learn that SH may not necessarily be an accurate measure of how one feels. Just because I don’t have anything to show anyone doesn’t make me any less valid, right?