TW: contains mild references to self harm.
For the last fortnight or so, I’ve focussed all of my energy on trying to curb some pretty destructive SH behaviour. For the most part, I’ve been doing ok. Aside from the amazing support and encouragement I’ve had from my Cousin and Practice Nurse, I’ve mostly managed any intrusive thoughts and urges by drawing. I’ve become almost obsessive in my efforts to produce art work (of dubious quality, I should say), usually with my headphones on, completely zoned out.
There are other reasons to be positive.
My diagnosis has been tweaked recently, allowing me to make more sense of things, and to know better who I am. My identity has been something with which I’ve wrestled for all of my adult life. A diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD) has helped me explain some pretty confusing thoughts and emotions.
I’ve had increased support from my CPN in response to the state of crisis in which I recently found myself.
I’ve been referred for some Occupational Therapy (OT) in the hope that this will help me break out of my comfort zone a little, and start to plan some kind of future.
And I’m also in the middle of a 4-5 week break from Therapy. Admittedly, this is because my Psychologist is on an extended period of leave, but the time off is doing me good. It has allowed me to concentrate more fully on getting myself to a point where I am ‘safe’ for most of the time. So I’ll hopefully be in a better head space when I next see her and, therefore, more able to work with her and take advice on board.
All things considered, then, things are looking up. I feel more listened to, that I’m getting the right kind of help and that I’m in a position to start to come to terms with my illness. I’m not sure, though, that this doesn’t make the future more terrifying still…because, now, the future exists. There’s going to have to come a time when the ‘day at a time’ method is no longer feasible, and I don’t know that I can deal with that. I’m so scared.