After a busy couple of days, I had been granted time to recharge my batteries today. Generally, a whole day to myself must be carefully planned, such that I don’t allow myself time for my thinking to become muddled. Because when my thinking starts to deteriorate, so do my ‘safe’ coping strategies.
It’s not been easy. I’ve felt (both physically and mentally) anxious today, and have found concentration tricky. My previous sure-fire distraction method, drawing, has not come without a battle. I started and abandoned a couple of pieces of work before I managed to settle into something. I have felt continually preoccupied. My skin has been itchy. I’ve been wringing my hands. Even now, as I sit and type, I keep pausing to look around, adjust my position in my chair. I keep looking behind me, out the window, thinking I can hear footsteps outside.
But despite this, despite the constant agitation, the ‘ants in my pants’, I have (somehow) remained safe again today. I did manage to finish a piece of art work. I’ve had some Diazepam, will eat some dinner with my family, and then I’m on the home straight before bed time.