TW: contains mild references to self-harm and disordered thinking patterns.
So things have been pretty stable for a week or so, and I almost started to take it for granted that I would continue to cope each day without having to resort to my default coping strategy. Today, however, I’ve felt like something of a pressure cooker. While most (UK based) people enjoyed the advantages of the May Day Bank Holiday Monday (mandatory days off work, relatively decent weather, being able to sit glued to the TV in anticipation of the naming of The Royal Baby…), I’ve struggled to sustain my stretch of ‘clean living’.
I don’t really know why.
Perhaps because I didn’t get the chance to recharge my batteries after the usual weekend chaos. I had a cup of tea with my Cousin this morning, lunch with my Sister and have walked for miles. To be clear, I love my Cousin, and I love my Sister. I like being with them. I’m safe with them (I can’t say that about many people), and they know how to distract me without pushing my boundaries…but my Monday ‘routine’ was turned on it’s head. That said, it was on it’s head anyway, since my Monday Art Group also suffered at the hands of the calendar.
I’m not sure what the walking was about…perhaps it was my way of trying to retain some control over my day. If I walk between home and wherever else I need to be, I can have a bit of ‘me’ time, listen to my music and think. But the more I walk, the more drained I feel, and the more muddled my thinking becomes…we’ve been down this road before, so I need to nip it in the bud.
Despite being disappointed at ending a stretch of 10 days free of SH, I’m satisfied that damage limitation was employed, and I go to bed with a rubber band around my wrist and without any need for medical attention.
So, yeah, it’s been a funny old Bank Holiday Monday. I guess all I can do is have an early night and hope that tomorrow is a bit kinder to me. My CPN is coming in to see me in the morning, so at least I’ll get the opportunity to talk things through, and start again.
(As an added extra, I wrote this post while listening to ‘Flower Drum Song’ by the awesome Cold War Kids. If you don’t know them, then I implore you to go and check them out…go now…quickly!)