TW: contains references to self-harm. Please proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.
I feel compelled to write. I don’t know why. The white noise in my head is driving me to distraction, but I can’t extract anything concrete, any obvious emotion or distressing thought.
This week, the option of some Crisis Team input was laid to rest by my Psychiatrist. My SH behaviours have been particularly bad recently, and my Psychologist, CPN and GP have all expressed their concern (to one another, and to my Consultant). My own safety is of paramount importance, and any therapy is more or less on hold until things are a bit more stable. I don’t really know how to achieve that stability, though.
On one hand, I agree with what my Psychiatrist said. CT input would mean yet more strange faces, and inevitable distress when that extra support is withdrawn. In addition, it would be unlikely to stop me from SHing…if you have a mind to do something, you do it, right?
On the other hand, I don’t know what else is going to work. I scare myself by not scaring myself…does that make sense? People have suggested that fresh eyes might just be enough to break the cycle, that more frequent contact would give me a sort of focus, if you like.
So, in short, no one really knows what to do about me. I appear to be baffling even the professionals, who seem unable to do anything but ‘be there’ to pick up the pieces…after the fact.