TW: contains references to self-harm.
There have been times when, despite Mental Illness, I have been in the driving seat, in control of what is happening to me and able to pull the brakes when required. I have recovered from Anorexia, completed an 8 week Mindfulness course, challenged negative thoughts using CBT skills, made attempts at studying via the Open University, managed days away with my family…
Today, I am not even in the passenger seat of the car that carries me on my journey through life. I am in the back, or maybe even the boot, being well and truly taken for a ride. Specifically, I am being controlled by my increasingly dangerous SH behaviours. I can think of nothing else. I feel devious, constantly trying to outwit others in order that I can hurt myself without being stopped. But then I worry, because I’m creating wounds that so clearly need attention and I don’t want to ask this of anyone. I’m ashamed at the lack of respect I have for my own body, and the apathy I feel when warned of potential complications.
I was granted access to the Crisis Team via telephone this weekend, if I felt it necessary. I hate using the phone, so have been unable to contact them. I feel confused when I think of the week ahead. I don’t know what to deal with first. I know I need to make a bigger commitment to my recovery, for those invested in helping me but, ultimately, for myself.
I don’t think I’m done with life yet, but I don’t know how to reclaim the steering wheel and find the safe route forward.