Deliver Me From Evil

TW: contains a reference to suicidal behaviour.  Proceed only if you are comfortable with the subject matter.

Today is Easter Sunday.  Growing up, religion was an important part of my life.  I had a Catholic education, was taken to Church every Sunday, and on Feast Days.  I was Baptised, made my First Communion and Confirmed.  Despite all of this, I have not practised my faith as an adult.  I’m not really sure why…I don’t recall making a definitive decision that I would no longer go to Church, I’m not an Atheist.  For one reason or another, I missed Mass on a few occasions and (unintentionally) never made it back.

I doubt anyone would be surprised that recent years have often found me pondering the existence of God.  I could probably be forgiven for challenging the presence of a Higher Power.  I have been ill, to some extent, for most of the last decade.  To my knowledge, I have never committed any unforgivable sin that might explain why I have been chosen for this particular life.  Yet I constantly feel I am being punished.  Even now, sitting at my computer, I’m experiencing a guilt that is weighing me down.  Today, I have washed dishes twice, ironed sheets and changed a bed (not mine), peeled potatoes, set a table, hung out a washing, gone for a walk with my Mum.  Why, then, do I feel guilty at taking some time out?  Why do I feel sad that my Mum is now alone in the sitting room (having a well-earned rest and probably quite content) while I retreat to my room?  Why do I feel guilty if I eat?  If there is a Supreme Being, controlling things from On High, what have I done to annoy Him?

Consider, also, the wider World.  With all the war, famine, disease, natural disasters…how can there be someone allowing all of this to happen…?

However, despite all of this, I do believe there is a God and that he has designs on all of us.  I don’t believe that anything is random.  I do believe things happen for a reason, and that everyone has a place in this World, however small or brief.  You see, for a period of time, my SH behaviours were similar to a game of Russian Roulette (ok, a more extreme version of Russian Roulette than I am currently engaged in).  I was Anorexic, surviving on cups of tea and obscene quantities of over-the-counter painkillers.  My CPN at the time told me that he had seen a quarter of what I was taking on a daily basis kill someone on a one-off occasion.  By the laws of Science, there is absolutely no way I should be alive.  I believe someone, somewhere, was looking out for me during that period.

So, on that basis, I probably should resume my attendance at Mass.  If I’m here for a reason, I might need to start communicating with God, and find out what the Hell it is.  And if I’ve done something wrong, I need to know, so that I can pray for forgiveness and ask to be delivered form evil.

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