The Pattern Of My Life

TW: contains mild references to self-harm.

Earlier today, my therapist asked me what I imagine my future to be like.  It wasn’t a question that was especially relevant to the work that we were doing, but it has me thinking.  Because I have absolutely no idea.

Let me explain.  We are slowly realising that my MH problems probably extend back almost twenty years.  For the past four of these, I have been involved with Mental Health Services.  Prior to this, I was just trying to survive.  I got through secondary school and university by putting my head down and working, focussed, blinkered and acutely aware that I felt ‘different’.  I didn’t know it, but by the time I entered full-time work, my illness had already taken the driving seat.  I couldn’t cope with a change of role, a change of office, lunch away from my desk.  All of these things upset me intensely and, on one occasion, I treated the rest of the office to the messy reality of a full-blown panic attack.

Soon after this, I engaged with my GP and was eventually signed off work and referred to the CMHT.  I never returned to work and my life became a series of assessments, appointments, CT referrals, (general) hospital admissions which meant I had to be considered for admission to a psychiatric ward.  I have lost count of the number of times I’ve had to visit A&E to have self-inflicted wounds stitched.  I have entered recovery and relapsed numerous times and each relapse knocks me that bit further back.  Today, I’m still pretty ill at times and am undergoing further assessment for a couple of other MH conditions but I think I have a reasonable amount of control for now.

So that, pretty much, has been the pattern of my life thus far.  In a nutshell.  If I’m honest, I’ve probably never really considered my future, not with any conviction.  I’ve been too busy surviving.  I am too busy surviving.  What kind of worthwhile future has me in it?


2 thoughts on “The Pattern Of My Life

  1. To be honest, though most of us are not remotely aware of this, we are ONLY surviving. In a race to perfection and to fit in and to be accepted in the so-called society, we’ve forgotten the real essence of life. It isn’t only to get a fine job and a house, is it?

    On another note, I think the future holds a lot. Our fate lies in our own hands. Maybe the sky is dark and it’s pouring and so you can’t see it now, but there’s a lighthouse ahead. There are brighter days. And sometimes, all you need to do, is believe. In miracles. In the future. And in yourself.

    Keep strong.



    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and comment on, my post. I know a lot of it is around self-belief, and it is hard to see through the darkness at times. I also understand what you mean about the ‘essence of life’. In fact, this is something my Psychiatrist once pointed out to me. I guess it doesn’t matter so much what we do as it does to be happy, or content with our lives.

      Best wishes,


      Liked by 1 person

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