The Pattern Of My Life

TW: contains mild references to self-harm.

Earlier today, my therapist asked me what I imagine my future to be like.  It wasn’t a question that was especially relevant to the work that we were doing, but it has me thinking.  Because I have absolutely no idea.

Let me explain.  We are slowly realising that my MH problems probably extend back almost twenty years.  For the past four of these, I have been involved with Mental Health Services.  Prior to this, I was just trying to survive.  I got through secondary school and university by putting my head down and working, focussed, blinkered and acutely aware that I felt ‘different’.  I didn’t know it, but by the time I entered full-time work, my illness had already taken the driving seat.  I couldn’t cope with a change of role, a change of office, lunch away from my desk.  All of these things upset me intensely and, on one occasion, I treated the rest of the office to the messy reality of a full-blown panic attack.

Soon after this, I engaged with my GP and was eventually signed off work and referred to the CMHT.  I never returned to work and my life became a series of assessments, appointments, CT referrals, (general) hospital admissions which meant I had to be considered for admission to a psychiatric ward.  I have lost count of the number of times I’ve had to visit A&E to have self-inflicted wounds stitched.  I have entered recovery and relapsed numerous times and each relapse knocks me that bit further back.  Today, I’m still pretty ill at times and am undergoing further assessment for a couple of other MH conditions but I think I have a reasonable amount of control for now.

So that, pretty much, has been the pattern of my life thus far.  In a nutshell.  If I’m honest, I’ve probably never really considered my future, not with any conviction.  I’ve been too busy surviving.  I am too busy surviving.  What kind of worthwhile future has me in it?

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2 thoughts on “The Pattern Of My Life

  1. To be honest, though most of us are not remotely aware of this, we are ONLY surviving. In a race to perfection and to fit in and to be accepted in the so-called society, we’ve forgotten the real essence of life. It isn’t only to get a fine job and a house, is it?

    On another note, I think the future holds a lot. Our fate lies in our own hands. Maybe the sky is dark and it’s pouring and so you can’t see it now, but there’s a lighthouse ahead. There are brighter days. And sometimes, all you need to do, is believe. In miracles. In the future. And in yourself.

    Keep strong.

    -Theya

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and comment on, my post. I know a lot of it is around self-belief, and it is hard to see through the darkness at times. I also understand what you mean about the ‘essence of life’. In fact, this is something my Psychiatrist once pointed out to me. I guess it doesn’t matter so much what we do as it does to be happy, or content with our lives.

      Best wishes,

      Louise

      Liked by 1 person

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