Looking back, I’ve always been someone who is easily attached to others. Not in the way that one might be attached to a best friend, or a parent, but attached ‘from a distance’. Until now, these have mainly been people who essentially outrank me – certain teachers at school, tutors at university, even a husband and wife for whom I once spent a Summer working in a local hotel.
These people obviously never knew how I felt about them. At the time, I just thought I was a freak, that there was something seriously wrong with me. But now, with a little more life experience behind me, a little more insight, I can conclude that because I never felt remotely comfortable or safe amongst my peers, I was always on the lookout for an older, parental figure, someone whom I could imagine looking after me, protecting me from harm.
Currently I feel attached to people in my care team, people such as my GP, Practice Nurses, Psychologist. I rely on them for validation of my difficulties, support, encouragement. I worry constantly about being discharged from the CMHT. What would I do without that safety net? When my GP tells me to make an appointment to see him in four weeks, my heart sinks. I start to worry about a seemingly vast and empty four weeks stretching in front of me. It seems an impossible goal. Currently, he is a bigger help to me than my CPN – 10 minutes with my GP is far more beneficial than 30 minutes with my CPN. Often, I don’t manage the four weeks. I’ll find myself in Crisis mode and automatically look to him for help and then, afterwards, I feel guilty and annoyed at myself for having bothered him. Likewise, I ‘look forward’ to fortnightly appointments with my Psychologist. I know her well, working with her helps me and I’m invariably disappointed when the session comes to an end.
I’m also attached to my cousin right now. I try not to be. She is a working Mum and is not always readily available to me. When I know she is there, only across the road, I want to be there with her. She knows everything about me right now and I can really be myself with her…and her small boys are an amazing distraction. I always feel low immediately after I leave their company.
So what is the solution? Does there have to be a solution? Is it ok to depend on these people right now, when I’m not myself, struggling and vulnerable? Should I ask my GP if he’d see me fortnightly? Or will that, ultimately, do more harm than good? Will it feed into this dependency? Make it harder to step out on my own, when the time comes?
I don’t know anything, right now, other than self-hatred and the fact that my own company is, at times, excruciating.