Pill Phobia

TW: contains detailed references to self harm and suicidal ideation.  Please proceed with care.

So last night I blogged about being given a prescription for Propranolol (More Thoughts) but it turns out I’m far more afraid of this medication than I thought.  I guess the trigger here would be that I’ve previously overdosed on this drug.  There wasn’t an isolated incident, I didn’t only do this once…I did it repeatedly until I was deemed non-compliant, had my medication taken from me, made to go to the chemist every day to have my tablets dispensed one dose at a time and referred to the Crisis Team.  I’m pretty sure it was (one of) the first time(s) this illness took my dignity.

Today I awoke with an overwhelming sense of anticipation, of something about to happen.  After thinking for a bit, I realised this feeling was linked to the Propranolol currently inhabiting my kitchen cupboard.  I had the biggest urge to retrieve the blister packs and swallow every tablet inside.  This urge has not diminished much over the course of the day, but its different from my usual urges to SH.  I don’t feel I need a release, or to cut through the numbness, to feel real.  I want to feel the side-effects of an overdose.

I remember before, how it made me feel.  With it being a drug used more often for cardiac patients, the side-effects are mostly cardiac-related.  I remember how my heart slowed right down, how I struggled to gain my breath upon exertion, how I became light-headed.  I liked feeling like this.  I liked pushing my body to the extreme – I still do; it is my addiction.  I never took a lethal dose (obviously) or even a particularly dangerous dose, so these side-effects would wear off and all returned to ‘normal’.  Perhaps this is the only way I can relate this to cutting; the rush of the ‘close shave’ but knowing just when to stop.

Today has been the biggest struggle for a while.  So far, I’ve managed to take the medication as prescribed.  In fact, this afternoon, I took a pill from the cupboard in the kitchen and literally ran back to my bedroom, where I’m safe.  Does that make me the ultimate madwoman?  Who runs away from tablets?

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know I can’t have these tablets near me for very much longer.


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