TW: contains references to self harm and suicidal thoughts
Today I visited my GP for a review. One of the main things I wanted to ask about was my prolonged use of Diazepam. As pretty much anyone with a mental illness will be aware, Diazepam (or any other drugs from the Benzodiazepine family) is a good drug, it does what it says on the tin…and then one day it doesn’t, so you have to increase the dose and before you know it you’re dependent.
So we decided to start reducing my current dose of Diazepam, replacing my daytime tablets with Propranolol. This is actually a Beta Blocker used more commonly in Cardiac patients, but can be effective in smaller doses in treating the physical symptoms of anxiety. The main thing is that it’s not addictive.
Anyway, I’m waffling. Upon looking at my records, the GP remarked that it had been around three years since I was last prescribed Propranolol and asked whether there was a particular reason why I stopped taking it before. There was a particular reason…I took an overdose of it. This then sparked a conversation about whether he could trust me with a two week supply, to which the answer was yes (all of my other meds are dispensed fortnightly, after all). I’ve been thinking about this ever since.
I’m suddenly frightened. My mood is low a lot of the time now and I’m frequently impulsive. I wouldn’t class myself as actively suicidal, in that I do not have an immediate plan to end my life. But I do have a lot of intrusive thoughts around suicide, fleeting thoughts, but real all the same. Just this evening, I was watching my Mum taking food from the oven in preparation for dinner and, from nowhere, I was struck with the idea that I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to
live exist like this. I’m tired and this illness is smothering me. What little I do achieve is usually overshadowed by an episode of SH, or poor eating behaviours.
I’m terrified of being abandoned by my care team. I don’t feel supported by them, but I couldn’t cope without the safety net they provide. I feel I want to contact someone now, or even in the morning, but I have my Crisis Plan just as the CMHT do. To call them up and have them read it down the phone to me would be a pointless exercise.
I’m terrified my GP or Practice Nurses will decide they’ve had enough and cease to see me, treat my wounds and provide comfort when I’m at my most vulnerable. They’re not trained MH professionals, but they’re 100% more useful to me than my CPN. Do I take advantage of them?
I don’t feel I’m being supported enough, but I don’t know the answer either. Help a friend, anyone?