More Thoughts

TW: contains references to self harm and suicidal thoughts

Today I visited my GP for a review.  One of the main things I wanted to ask about was my prolonged use of Diazepam.  As pretty much anyone with a mental illness will be aware, Diazepam (or any other drugs from the Benzodiazepine family) is a good drug, it does what it says on the tin…and then one day it doesn’t, so you have to increase the dose and before you know it you’re dependent.

So we decided to start reducing my current dose of Diazepam, replacing my daytime tablets with Propranolol.  This is actually a Beta Blocker used more commonly in Cardiac patients, but can be effective in smaller doses in treating the physical symptoms of anxiety.  The main thing is that it’s not addictive.

Anyway, I’m waffling.  Upon looking at my records, the GP remarked that it had been around three years since I was last prescribed Propranolol and asked whether there was a particular reason why I stopped taking it before.  There was a particular reason…I took an overdose of it.  This then sparked a conversation about whether he could trust me with a two week supply, to which the answer was yes (all of my other meds are dispensed fortnightly, after all).  I’ve been thinking about this ever since.

I’m suddenly frightened.  My mood is low a lot of the time now and I’m frequently impulsive.  I wouldn’t class myself as actively suicidal, in that I do not have an immediate plan to end my life.  But I do have a lot of intrusive thoughts around suicide, fleeting thoughts, but real all the same.  Just this evening, I was watching my Mum taking food from the oven in preparation for dinner and, from nowhere, I was struck with the idea that I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t want to live exist like this. I’m tired and this illness is smothering me.  What little I do achieve is usually overshadowed by an episode of SH, or poor eating behaviours.

I’m terrified of being abandoned by my care team.  I don’t feel supported by them, but I couldn’t cope without the safety net they provide.  I feel I want to contact someone now, or even in the morning, but I have my Crisis Plan just as the CMHT do.  To call them up and have them read it down the phone to me would be a pointless exercise.

I’m terrified my GP or Practice Nurses will decide they’ve had enough and cease to see me, treat my wounds and provide comfort when I’m at my most vulnerable.  They’re not trained MH professionals, but they’re 100% more useful to me than my CPN.  Do I take advantage of them?

I don’t feel I’m being supported enough, but I don’t know the answer either.  Help a friend, anyone?


6 thoughts on “More Thoughts

  1. I can’t help professionally but am rooting for you and strongly believe we can get through the hell together. This illness is cruel. And you are courageous. But you should have more support and if you can, I really would raise it with your psychiatrist or GP or psychologist and raise it firmly and assertively but I know that is so hard and sometimes not met with real answers. Anyway sending all the love in the world. You’re honestly a very good friend of mine and are known by name by my family (not to creep you out) as the Twitter BFF who is also having a hard time but is really helping me xxx


    1. Thank you Beth, that means a lot. You’re right, mental illness is cruel. It messes with your head – one day is manageable and the next we can be bordering on suicidal. There is no consistency in how we feel and often professionals are stymied when it comes to helping us effectively. We just have to keep trying until the light comes on, which I know from experience that it will if we can hang on long enough.

      And I don’t find that creepy, lol. My family are aware of you also, they know I’m finding the support online that they can’t give me and I think that comforts them a bit.

      As always, you have hugs from a friend,


      Liked by 1 person

  2. A GP is a general practitioner. Mental health comes under general health – you’re absolutely not taking advantage! I’m not really sure what the answer to your problem is. It’s a well known fact that mental health services often lack the facilities to really support people properly. Maybe you could talk to your GP or CPN about how you’re feeling and ask if there’s anything else they can do. Sometimes patients have better ideas about the support they need than the professionals.


    1. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. You’re right, there are not the facilities available and it’s probably as frustrating for the staff as it is for the service users (at least those that do the job for the right reasons). I have a therapy appointment tomorrow in which I might raise the issue, if I have the strength for self-advocacy!


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