TW: contains mild reference to self harm.
It’s been a weird day today. I’ve spent most of it feeling numb and detached from everyone else (not that I’ve seen many other people). I went the obligatory walk this morning, stopping off to buy the newspaper. And my CPN called in to see me, completely unconcerned that I’d spent Friday morning in A&E to due self-injury, unaware that my Quetiapine is currently being gradually increased to 600mg…I can’t even really recall what we did talk about. I know we discussed the art therapy class that my care team is hoping I will attend in the near future and we arranged that she will call in again on Friday 13th February. Is this soon enough? Am I getting enough support from the CMHT? But what else could they do?
As well as feeling numb, I also feel paranoid. I know I habitually isolate myself from other family members, preferring my own company, my own space. Sunday evenings are particularly difficult as my Sister and Brother-in-Law come for dinner. I usually retreat to my bedroom as soon as the meal is over and will usually be in bed by 8:30. I love my Sister, but I don’t cope well with these gatherings; everyone in the same place (grand total of 6 people) at the same time. But that leaves them a lot of time, with me out of the picture, to be talking about me. They might be invalidating my illness, expressing their aggravation at me not trying hard enough, talking about my destructive coping behaviours about which I am no longer open…so many possibilities. I’m getting frustrated now, just writing this down!
NB: I’ve asked my Dad whether we might change this arrangement, perhaps all gather every second Sunday? He knows how much I struggle with a Sunday, but he fears my sister’s reaction to this proposal more than he appreciates that I’m unwell. She’s known for her short fuse, is very volatile and probably wouldn’t take it well. So I, illness or no illness, have to grin and bear it, because this means an easy life is had by all (except me).
So what of all this? Am I officially losing my mind? Feelings of detachment, apathy, bordering on dissociation, paranoia. The paranoia in itself is a bit of a catch-22 situation; I’m paranoid that my paranoia is a symptom of madness.
Can anyone help me out here?