Code Word: STRUGGLE

TW: contains mild references to self harm.

Regular readers will know that I have been working hard to control my urges and impulsivity in an effort to decrease my SH behaviours.  But I have to confess to having slipped up yesterday morning.  I awoke feeling stressed and, almost as though on autopilot, went to my parents’ bathroom, took a razor from my Dad’s packet of disposables and used the blade to cut myself.  As quickly as that.  This being the first cut in a few weeks, I was naturally frustrated and disappointed with myself.  But it wasn’t too severe, so I dressed it myself and went to my cousin’s house as we’d planned the night before.

Upon arrival, I managed to tell her what I’d done.  She wasn’t disappointed, she didn’t get annoyed, she didn’t judge me.  Instead she had a look, decided it needed dressed properly and called the surgery to make an appointment with the practice nurse.  She then went on to reassure me that I hadn’t let her down, I’d done really well so far and a small relapse was only to be expected.

And so back to the real reason for my visit.  My CPN has given me a workbook with space to detail a Crisis Plan, a Post-Crisis Plan and a Wellness Recovery Plan which I had with me yesterday morning.  Together, my cousin and I had a look through it and decided not to focus on the Crisis Plan, but try and be a bit more positive and think about the Wellness Recovery Plan…

…sorry, I just want to say that I’m listening to Hozier’s self-titled debut album for the first time and its absolutely awesome…

…anyway, the Wellness Recovery plan.  We decided that it would not be helpful to think too far ahead, but concentrate, for the moment, on the short-term.  Currently, I find both blogging/writing and drawing helpful, so those two activities should continue.  I’d like to think that my blog is helping not only me, but other people in a similar situation.  I have learned a LOT in recent years, and to be able to give back would be great.

I also had a slight problem with an Open University course on which I am enrolled for 2014/15.  Unfortunately, my MH has been such that there is no way I can complete it this year.  So we decided that I needed to stop avoiding dealing with this and send an email to the appropriate people, asking about my options.  Furthermore, if I do reach the stage where I can return to my studies, I don’t need a long-term goal.  My parents frequently bombard me with questions such as ‘where is this going?’ or ‘what do you plan to do with this?’…but do I need a reason?  Can I not just be interested in Natural Sciences and enjoy learning, without the pressure of having to have an end goal?  It is blatantly obvious that I will never again hold down a typical 9-5 office job, so why not just ‘mess around’ with some Physics and Chemistry modules via the OU?  If and when I reach the end, gain a qualification, I can decide what to do with it.  In the meantime, it would add a bit of structure to my day while I’m unable to stray far from home for extended periods of time.

Overall, I was happy with what we’d come up with.  I guess it means that I will basically just keep doing what I’m doing, one day at a time, Hell, one hour at a time.  We didn’t make any overwhelming plans.  There is no expectation that I will be fully recovered by a certain deadline, or jetting off to an exotic location in the Summer.

Oh, and if do find myself in Crisis and ‘unable’ to make a phone call to the CMHT, I will text the code word ‘STRUGGLE’ to my cousin and she’ll phone me straight back…

(L, I know you’ll probably read this so thank you.  I’ve felt able to confide in you like no one else, and I know you feel the same…I’ve never had a friendship like that before, and I’ve a feeling that us being related makes that even more special.)

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