A New Calendar

TW: mild references to self harm.

I have lost count of the number of times people have said things like ‘…a new year, a new start…’ or ‘…you could start 2015 with a clean slate…’ but it is wearing thin.  Because my illness is not powered by a switch over which I have any control.  There is no way for me to turn off my depression or kill the anxiety that inhabits the pit of my stomach like a living thing, like a snake.  I don’t count down the final days of 2014, ready and eager for 2015 to be underway, with a list of resolutions as long as my arm – try harder, push myself, stop self harming, resolve some ongoing issues around food, go on holiday (my Dad is, and has been for years, convinced that a holiday will cure me)…

So, what did I do on January 1st (actually, it may have been the 2nd or 3rd before I managed)?  I took down my 2014 calendar, full of appointments with various health professionals diligently recorded, and replaced it with a 2015 calendar, adding in further appointments of  a similar nature.

People are throwing ideas for 2015 at me left, right and centre.  Keep up with the blogging, you’re good at it.  Attend an art therapy class run by the CMHT.  Resume the walking group, also run by the CMHT.  I’m currently registered on an OU course for which I should be studying, Hell I should’ve have been studying for months already.  What am I going to do about that?  I should really contact my tutor, or student support team.  I worry that the paltry sum I receive from the DWP will be stopped subject to review by an independent medical officer.  What if I am deemed fit for work?  I can’t cope with Sunday dinner with the family, how could I go out to work?  I worry that if I self harm then I’ve let people down – my care team, my cousin, the lovely nurses at my surgery who look after my wounds.  I worry that I’ll always be worried about all of this stuff, that nothing will resolve itself but remain the mess of jumbled thoughts detailed above.

So, yes, it is a new year.  But what does that mean?  One day rolled into another and we all hung a new calendar…or maybe we did that the next day, or the next…


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