TW: Contains discussion of self harm. Please proceed ONLY if you are comfortable with the subject matter.
As described in an earlier post, Lazy Sunday Afternoon, I was scheduled to meet my CPN and therapist jointly on Friday past. The aim of this was to take stock of where I’m at right now and come to an agreement as to how we can all work as a unit to improve my current situation and move forward.
As you might expect, having had ample notice of this appointment, I was full of nervous anticipation beforehand. I was nervous about being effectively ‘outnumbered’ by professionals, but quietly hopeful that there might be a positive result…God knows something has to change! So you can imagine my disappointment, frustration, inner turmoil when, upon arrival, I was told it would be only my therapist and I, as my CPN had been caught up in dealing with a crisis.
To put you in the picture, I have both arms bandaged from wrist to shoulder as a result of (apparently out of control) SH behaviours. I’m pretty sure that these extensive dressings will fail to keep me from adding to the damage within the next few hours. I am on yet another course of antibiotics to treat infected wounds. Last week, I openly admitted to the practice nurse that I was feeling ambivalent, apathetic even, about the severity of my cuts and the dangers of ‘nicking an artery’. I have conveyed my disinterest in many things that would normally enrapture me for hours at a time and that I presently have no hopes/ambitions for the future. My GP has mentioned hospital admission twice in the last month.
So my question is this? Considering all of this, plus the lengthy preparation time for the aforementioned appointment, how is it conceivable that my CPN couldn’t resolve to be there for me. Granted, my therapist is lovely and impressively determined that I will learn to cope with my illness, but my day to day struggles are surely more relevant to my CPN and/or the Duty Service. I’m not disputing that it was indeed the case that someone, somewhere was in a more serious condition than I and, of course, this had to take priority…but what about my crisis? I’m back at square one.