TW: Reference to self harm.
If you read my previous post, Alone In A Crowd, you will know that I have stopped actively seeking support from my parents when it comes to the more upsetting aspects of my illness. Any attempt at an ‘open discussion’ regarding my mental health invariably results in them feeling upset/unable to cope and me feeling rejected so, for the sake of all concerned, I no longer disclose things they cannot understand.
Indeed, if you were to ask my parents, they would most likely tell you I’ve been doing a bit better recently. Not in any specific way – just that I seem brighter and slightly less withdrawn. This is what I want people to believe and my exterior is carefully put together accordingly. Although not myself, I have settled into a routine of laundry, cooking and cleaning in order to appear focused and productive. I hold conversations and listen to my family deliver ‘Tales of the Workplace’ in order to appear interested. Generally, I seem to have found a rhythm that suits. It goes without saying that this makes them happy and allows them to leave the house in the morning with greater ease, trusting me to keep myself safe while they are at work.
And beneath the surface? I have been having an initial look at some OU work. For reasons outlined in Alone In A Crowd, I haven’t told anyone that I plan to (attempt to) resume my studies within the next couple of weeks. So I find myself studying in secret, which really is as ludicrous as it sounds…who does that? Moreover, I have yet to feel any enthusiasm for the subject, or that I have gained anything from these clandestine study sessions. I don’t discuss any appointments that I attend. Only this morning, I saw my GP and had some adjustments made to my medication. My parents don’t know I was at the GP let alone that I’ve tweaked my meds (I’m hoping I don’t have any notable signs of withdrawal or side-effects!). Most days in the last couple of weeks, I have self harmed and I haven’t asked anyone to help me with this.
So evidence would suggest that I am not coping particularly well, that I am feeling lonely and overwhelmed. I have been particularly low today and am reluctant to go to bed tonight for fear that my mood will be no better, or worse, in the morning. Something is building in me and I have to therefore question my own motive…who wins here?