The Child In Me

TW: Deals with self harm.

I believe there is a ‘child’ in all of us.  An intrinsic part of our being that needs to be cared for, mothered, protected from harm.

If nothing else, mental illness has drawn my attention to this fact.  This is probably due to the fact that my parents have really struggled to come to terms with my illness, particularly my self harm behaviours.  We have had ‘information sharing’ sessions with the CMHT in an effort to help my parents understand more about SH and why I do it.  But this has all been useless.  My mum in particular seems unable to cope and any attempt to discuss the subject normally descends into chaos.  We have had countless arguments, I have been accused of being selfish and a liar, I have been told that only ‘teenagers’ have anorexia and only ‘junkies’ self harm.  I don’t help matters – as is common with anxiety and depression, I continually push them away, withdraw to my bedroom, say ‘I’m fine’.  They don’t listen but I don’t speak.

Please don’t think I blame my parents for any of this – I absolutely don’t.  I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to see your child struggling with ‘life’ for no discernible reason and admitted to hospital with self-inflicted injuries.

I watch my parents spend quality time with my sister and brother and I don’t feel as though I belong.  I feel detached, disassociated and desperate to be noticed.  I feel like an outsider, an outcast, a burden and am therefore compelled to harm myself.  The cyclical nature of mental illness is realised and on it goes…

A lot of this would be a whole lot easier if I could just say ‘I want my mum’.

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2 thoughts on “The Child In Me

  1. It seems all I do say is that I want my mom, and she’s no longer here. I understand totally about needing that “mothered” feeling. I always do, and always have sought out people I consider “safe”. Every job I ever had, I had a motherly figure I could go to when I get panicky. I don’t have one of those people now, and I think I am desperately searching for that nurturing person who is going to promise me everything is going to be OK. Sending you love ❤

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    1. Thanks again for your words of support. Similarly, in whatever setting, I will be drawn to the older, female maternal figure. Having always struggled with anxiety to some extent, I guess I’ve always just needed someone to trust and keep me ‘safe’ x

      Liked by 1 person

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