I saw my consultant today. Overall, he seemed pleased with where I’m at compared with a few months ago: due to a medication change, I’m a bit less agitated, I have been discharged (again) from the Community Eating Disorder Service and have more of a handle on my Self Harm behaviours.
So why do I feel so ‘stuck’? I have an irrational fear of the future. I cant think about it without my mind descending into chaos, a series of what if…? scenarios. I know there is an avoidant part of my personality, a tendency to sweep things under the carpet or turn frustration in on myself. I worry sometimes that people misinterpret this and consider me a waste of space, simply ‘unwilling’ to work which makes me feel worse about myself, which lowers my mood and heightens my threat system.
I feel like the proverbial rabbit in headlights, rigid with fear, rooted to the spot with no idea where to turn. I’ve been toying with the idea of taking up an Open University module in October. I have a general interest in Life Sciences so I could dabble a bit and see where it takes me. I don’t necessarily need any long term-goals, right? And now that bully in my head, also known as Depression, is saying ‘but what if…?’ See what I mean?
The rational part of me knows that this self-doubt and uncertainty is all part of my illness but it doesn’t give me a solution. It really sucks to have insight, to know what needs to change, but to lack the strength and motivation to make those changes.